Small Town Memories

The sign just north of me reads "Bienvenue Montpelier, Capitale du Vermont."

My french accent is attrocious. But somehow, after reading it and saying it over and over again, atleast I have that phrase down-pat.

This town is happy. It has a genuine feeling to it. Sure it may not be, or never be, everything you want. And you might not be able to live out your big city dreams here. Or grocery shop after 11:00. But it is what it is. It is a gentle reminder of a simpler time.

It makes me smile.

And truth be told. I kind of miss it here. Except the snow.

No more snow. Never again.

I almost feel like, one day, I could live here again. Settle my old bones and plant some roots. In a town where people wink because they like their lives. And hold doors just because they have the time.

But I'm not slowed down enough for it yet. Not nearly. The pulse of New York beats inside me. The rush and hustle of grit and asphalt is my mind's playground and my daily grind.

"I haunt the halls of Madison at night. Choking back the urge to fight."

It's a nice place to live. But I wouldn't wanna visit here.

- N

Wait for me Montpelier. Don't change. I'll be back someday. Or maybe just to the idea of you.

Fine. You can change... But just a little.

Ying-Yang

"I love you so much. But do me a favor baby, don't reply. 'Cause I can dish it out, but I can't take it."

Early New Years Resolution ; Get the site up and running. Be more diligent about this blog.

It's hard hearing someone say they aren't sure you're "Worth it."

But yet, "they'd do it all again."

Sounds like bull to me. I'd take years of a true friend for a heart break or two anyvday.

And as the world turns, and the seasons change. So do I. It's almost winter now. Days away even. I've been feeling more pensive and introspective. I've been sitting in this house alone for 7 hours now. I've drained away my day through various media outlets and wondered what my friends, the ones I used to know, are doing.

Do you ever feel like... your a different person sometimes?

I know I do.

I think of myself as something of a devil thats really good at heart for about half the year. And then as winter hits, a drastic change. I think of myself more as an angel with a dark remorse.

But I havent quite pinned down the other changing point. Maybe it's gradual.

Maybe we all do it. Maybe you do it.

"We're concentrated on falling apart. We were contenders. We're just throwin' the fight. I just wanna believe."

I hope more than just two people read this : /
But I wont be surprised if thats it. It's okay.
I like you two.

Go write some notes for me. Give them to strangers.
: p You know its what I'll be doing.

- N

Falling Leaves

So here's where we rake everything up.
And at the end we can burn it if you want.


But to be true to myself. I hope this saves you. And me.
(Even though I dont know if she'll read this or not. Atleast you get to.)

A.

You are so much better than me in so many ways.
More considerate. More pensive. More planned. More you.
But I'm catching up.
All I've ever tried to do is what would make you happy.
Sorry I fucked up along the way.
You're Clingy. Talkative. A gossipe. Often times, a bitch.
You're endearing, and a good listener. You show up.
You plan outfits too much. I remember when you didnt like holidays.
I thought one time I had a vision of you having my child in the future(Girl.)
And secretly thought we'd get married later in life. And you'd be rich. (And I'd be poor.)
I always felt like that bag of M&Ms was wasted on me.
I'm sorry I get bored. I don't know why I can't be captivated.
I don't like your arms. I really like your eyes.

Theres more. But the things I never said are mostly in here.

Falls leaving soon. And we'll burn these leaves that fell of our tree just to keep warm.

Hope you don't catch cold up there in Boston.

-N

Boston

I'm visiting a friend here. But this is definitely not my town. It's different here.


Things close early. Things look old. And seem... reasonable. Less demanding.



I can't help but feel compelled in this room full of girls. Like 6 different roads that I could walk down. But they are all. All. An awful idea.



I'm sorry if I've neglected this blog. But I wrote three notes today. And I hope to write more tomorrow.

I met a friend here though. The first legitimate friend I can think of in awhile. I get along with him and we weren't ever pushed to be around each other. Its a nice feeling.

I like friends.

But not Boston. I'll write more when I'm back in NYC. For better or worse, it's my home.

- N