Fire Gazing

So I've been reconnecting. In a way. Also, disconnecting.

Caring less about things that seem trivial. Things I've come to hold important.

And old friends. Well... They're old friends for a reason.

"Don't Analyze me. There's no apparent link between the day he said he'd leave and my..."

So I sat there. Around a fire. And burnt a lot away. Surrounded by people who mean a lot to me. People who know me... Well... Better than I'd like. I sipped a guiness. I soaked in the summer stars and the smell of dry wood ashing.

"...Reoccurring dreams and how I just can't sleep unless I've had a drink... Or five."

So now. Like it or not. I need it again. I'm going back tonight. Sober? Sober. But I need my fix of happiness and peace. Because it's hard to come by here.

So he said to me, "New York City is your life style. But not your persona."

He may be right. I may be a bad fit here. In the long run.

I feel bad for not writing enough this month, even as I enjoy it so. But it's hard to sit down and write. Especially for me if someone is here. Also, I've been moving. I know it sounds like rationalizing and excuses. But, I feel guilty, and It'll change. I promise. Don't give up.

Do you belong where you are?

It's okay to not. It's okay to be wrong.

And it sure seems like I am. But. I. Unlike a lot of them. Am not afraid of change.

- N

Not A Give Up.

"I've gotta lotta things to do tonight. I'm so sick of making lists, of things I'll never finish."

I've been living this way for a long time now.

"But If I had a little more time. to. kill. I'd settle every stupid little thing. Yeah. You'd think that I would."

I need a clean slate. My good friend made that point. He Said "N. Whatever you're looking for at _______. It's not there. You need to move on and find something new."

"I wonder if I'll ever lose my mind. I tried hard for awhile. But then I kinda gave up."

And he's right. I can feel summer creeping in me. I can feel all the same pain of this time last year.

"I so wanna get back on track. And I'll do whatever it takes. Even if it kills me."

Theres so much you want to know. So much I could tell you. If only. If only, you'd let me.

Do you have something you never realized means a lot to you? It's irrational. I know it is. But I realized it a few weeks back. Penguins make me think of my childhood.

They make me feel young. And happy. And not alone.

I could use a penguin right now. Because we're all just rushing towards nothing. And I'd atleast like a friend with me.

I wish I had more time to kill for you. But it might be all used up.

- N

Art and Dirt

So I looked down on time spent, in the form of paper and ink. It was a painful moment of clarity to see a work of "Art" destroyed.

"This is the first song to your mix tape, and it's short just like your temper."

I wonder how many of my notes made it into loving hearts and backpacks and wallets. To stay there as a reminder. Like a five-year-old collecting shells on the beach.

And I wonder how many are torn to pieces and have become part of the dirt of the shining city.

Either is just fine. Now that I think about it.

New York is made alive by passion. By the artists. By the journeymen. The refugee. The fact that somewhere, someone might be walking with my letters underfoot is somewhat poetic, in a sense. Streets paved with passion.

I lost 50 Dollars playing poker online.

I'll lose another 50 more before I learn my lesson.

"I gotta 20 dollar bill, that says noone's ever seen you without makeup. Your always made up."

Patience. Patience.

I called A to blow off steam yesterday. If she doesn't call me back. I'll be a little sad.

"Something golden like the afternoons we used to spend, before you got too cool."

This entry feels self-indulgent. If I was a critic. Well... I'd be critical of it.

- N