Poker

I stood my ground. I said "No." And it felt good.

Test me. Try me. You'll lose.

I feel like Chaos's Advocate. My only bargainning chip is causing confusion and uncertainty.

Everything will change. They dont see it yet. Neither of them.

And all they're really scared of is having to figure it out. Not being without me. And I'm fine with that. They've got all the fuckin' chips. But I've got my one card. It's not even an ace of spades. More like a jack of diamonds. But they won't know till I show them.

"That's your only card. Why would you give it up willingly?"

B is back in town. I missed her. I hope she comes to NYC to visit. After all this time. And friends that have waxed and waned. She has been fairly constant.

Let me paint you a picture. B is simple. She is motherly in nature, pretty, girlish, occasionally thick-headed, opinionated, self-concious and honest. And I've spent a lot of time knowing her on many different levels. And we relate.

"It's 4 a.m. We will stalk again, the princess and her better queen."

Sometimes. You need to see someone who reminds you of who you really are and where you came from. And B does that for me.

I'm gonna start writing notes other than just this blog. I'm ready again. Thanks K.

-N

Rotations

I find myself frustrated with other's indecision. I want answers now. But the kind you can't press. It's a lot like trying to rush building a card house. Only imagine you want to live in your card house for awhile.

And at the same time, I see treasures and prizes life has bestowed around others around me. Most of which, I don't think they deserve.

How did you get there, sir?

"This captain goes down with his ship, All hands on deck stand hip to hip!"

Did you cheat your way to the top? Did you look out for #1? What's your pearl of wisdom today?

It's so damn easy to see the grit and grime of this city. And it's hard to climb up a ladder to anything here when it's covered in slick, greasy, slimy.... people.

"This song is called, It's a Metaphor, Fool!"

Sometimes, all I really want, is to look at the clock and see a glowing 4:00 a.m. To know that even though I need to be up in 3 hours. That it just doesn't matter. Remember the last time you felt like nothing mattered? In the good way, ofcourse.

I cant.

Summers close. I can feel her breathing on my neck, wrapped in deep red silks and beckoning me to come closer. But just for a fling. Till Autumn comes again.

"Sail with me into the setting sun, the battles won but war has just begun."

Somethings are changing. For everyone maybe. I think humans don't fully appreciate or understand just how seasons change us. Summer makes me wanna scream. And Run. And Fight. And love.

Spring... Spring is like the 2 hours before a first date.

I'm showered and layed out my clothes early. Did my hair. And brushed my teeth.
Just need to be patient. Oh. And Charming.

- N

Its Over When Its Over

I'm hesitant to start righting again. Because I feel I've let myself down by not keeping up.

That being said.

I'm starting again. Because I need to. And I'd like to think. Atleast 2 or 3 of you out there sincerely enjoy it.

When does home stop being home? We've all been there. To me, Union Sq. feels like a forsaken lover. I've shunned it all winter. Cramped into this tiny bushwick apartment, distracting myself with feelings of warm and comfort.

The outside worlds a dirty place. I've come to find. And Angry. And Hurtful.

"Calling all cars, We've got another victim. Because my love has become an affliction. Well what did you expect from me?"

And it's much easier to hide from it.

I know these words break as many hearts as they mend. Thats the cliche, right? The bitter sweet symphony.

"Are you desperate for an answer? I dont have an answer good left in me now."

Do I lose by still needing to write this? I mean. Shit. I love getting this all out. But, should I?

I feel I continue to force myself onward. The plow forth in life. With little time to. Relax? No, thats wrong... To enjoy smiles... Just like the ones you used to get from saturday morning cartoons. That careless bliss.

I found a moment of it this morning, in an "Arnold Palmer" walking to work. Afterwards, arriving, it was something akin to returning to the real world with a sunburn after summering on beaches in costa rica.

Well, out here. Its hard to come by. But you, Friends(?), give me some. Make it feel okay to be wrong. Be bad at something. Not need to be perfect.

So Thanks.

You kinda mean the world. So I won't short you. I'm back.

- N